Thursday, May 19, 2016

Body Image During Menopause

I remember sitting at our neighborhood pool in my late thirties, early forties thinking this is “the BEST” age to be a woman.  As I looked around at all the women at the pool, my eyes were drawn first to young teenagers with perfect bodies.  They were busy fixing their swimsuits just so wondering if they were too fat, too skinny, too pale, or whatever else teens think their bodies are “too ________”.  I knew they would one day look back at their teen pictures and be amazed at how beautiful they were even if they couldn’t see it now. Then I noticed the women my age.  They walked confidently in their swimsuits chasing after kids aware that they had stretch marks, cellulite, and bits of chubbiness here and there.  Somehow they seemed confident in their bodies knowing that they had changed physically, mentally, and emotionally due to childbirth, jobs, and the aging process. As I lounged on my chair, I too felt confident in my body.  It wasn’t perfect, but it held up well despite rheumatoid arthritis taking a stab at it each and every day. I was eating well, exercising when I could and it had paid off. I was satisfied, maybe even a little proud of the body I had.
Then came new medications and the beginning stages of menopause.  Almost immediately after starting Enbrel, I got my physical life back in addition to 15 extra pounds.  Feeling good, I added on hours to my work schedule which also increased my time sitting.  Over the last five years or so, I have put on another 10 pounds.  I wish I could say I am okay with it, but I am not. I have become that person that cringes when I see photos of myself.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a strong woman who has raised two beautiful children, been a good wife of 28 years, a patient/loving teacher, and struggled with rheumatoid arthritis for 12 years.  I don’t see the fat until I see a photo of myself or a pair of “big” pants become too tight. 

From what I have read, I am not alone in body image issues when transitioning into menopause.  Many women experience extra fat, especially in the stomach, as they make the change.  I wish knowing that I wasn’t alone made me feel better, but it doesn’t.  Some days I feel six months pregnant with engorged breasts (yes, those have grown too). When I was thirty years old, that was exciting.  At 48, it isn’t.  I don’t know what the answer is. Some days I work really hard to focus on everything that is beautiful about my physical body and find some success.  Other days, I feel hopeless. Why even try? It doesn’t seem to matter what I eat or how much I move.  But, I don’t want to look at photos with my family and see only my size, I have too many of those where I can see the pain I felt from RA that day. I want our photos to represent the fun, pride, excitement of the day. I wish I knew the answer. 

Help! How do you deal with body image?     

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Letting Go: Graduation

Tomorrow night my youngest graduates.I don't feel overly sad or sentimental. I know this is an important milestone in her life - one of many she will still experience.In fact, a part of me feels relief. For some time now she has outgrown high school and I can see her wings ready to take off to the next adventure.This is one of the many things I love about this girl. She embraces change and the experiences she gains from them. She has always been the one to challenge my ability to let go. She is independent, something I want but that I also struggle with often. I want her to think and act for herself, but also don't always know how to give up control.(Being a mom is a never-ending learning experience.) But she has learned a valuable lesson I taught her at an early age, "You know your body best." And she does. As she graduates and makes her way into the world, she will make mistakes which will make her stronger and lead her down the paths she was meant to travel. She will bring her beautiful smile everywhere she goes, brightening the lives of all those around her - that is one of her special gifts to the world. She will make a difference.That I am 100% sure of. Knowing this makes letting go that much easier. I know I HAVE to share her with the world. But as lucky as all those who meet my passionate daughter will be, I know she will always come back home to her momma in some manner. I know this because she has taught me to let her go as she has been ready and because I have, I have placed myself in a very safe place in her heart where she knows I am here for her no matter what life brings. I am her forever mom. After tomorrow night, she becomes a free woman. I can't wait to set her free and see what she can do!  Be on the lookout because pure amazement in being released.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Working as Adjunct Faculty

As adjunct faculty for two Adult Education programs, I worry every semester whether or not I will have enough classes to pay my portion of the bills.  Living in a state with no budget, that fear has intensified.  Each semester I patiently wait to see when, where, and what I will be teaching and then cross my fingers that I have enough students to keep my class for the semester. I also do this with absolutely no benefits.  As adjunct, I am always considered part-time.


Why have I put myself through this torture roughly every 16 weeks for 15 years? The answer is simple: I absolutely LOVE my job. There is an energy to being on a campus full of students ready to make dreams come true. After all these years, I still feel excited when students begin walking through the door. There is nothing better than to be in the middle of teaching a tough topic and see the spark in a student's eye that tells me he/she gets it!  A student recently said, "You make reading books interesting." For many of my pre-GED students, they have read their first book ever with me. In one of my ESL classes, I currently have 26 students who come from 12 different countries.  Some evenings I sit in awe as they work together on assignments.  Language and culture are not an issue.


As a long-time teacher in the same building, I have seen students come and go.  Work, family, health, etc have taken them away.  My job is to give them a purpose to come back.  Because of language barriers, previous bad school experiences or lack of an education, self esteem, and many more reasons, my students fear their first time back in the classroom.  Are they good enough? Will they look foolish?  Will their weaknesses be exposed?  My challenge is always to calm those fears and to find quickly where their strengths are so we can build on those.      


Why do I keep doing the job I do when I could have the security of my own benefits rather than relying on my husband to secure them?  Why do I plan everything around the hours I am given at school because if I take off work I won't be paid?  It's because whatever small part I can play in making the lives of others better, in helping them reach their personal goals, or hearing for the first time that they are good at something school related, it is worth everything else.