Where is the Christian Love?

I grew up Catholic. I believe I was a good Catholic. I found strength from the rituals of the church and wanted to do my best to be a good person. I went to mass EVERY Sunday and more often if I could. I was crazy about confession. If I had any guilt about an action, I went to confession. I even sat out on communion many times feeling guilty for ill thoughts of others, sexual interest, minor lies, etc. I didn't follow every rule perfectly, but for the most part, I think I was a decent Catholic. Today, I am not Catholic. In fact, I am no longer Christian. But, I value the years I was both and hold them close to my heart. They will always be a part of who I am today.


So, what happened to that "good girl"? Three major events happened in my early twenties.

1. I got married. As I attempted to explain Catholicism to my husband, I began questioning many things. My whole life I had followed rituals and beliefs without really knowing why.

2. I went to college. Not just college, but a Catholic college. It was there that I learned college is a place to expand your thinking, to see outside your own walls. Have you ever had a life experience that stuck with you forever and you can see yourself at the moment, even years later? The expectation to expand my thinking by professors/nuns that I respected was one of those moments for me. A Catholic college education is also where I learned that using birth control is not an abortion every day as I was told growing up. Phew! I can still see myself in that biology class feeling the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.

3. As I moved into my career as an elementary teacher, I was placed in a low income elementary school where for the first time in my life I understood that my life experiences were very middle class and very different from those of my students. Later, as an educator to adult immigrants and refugees, I continued learning about people of the world. There is still so much I don't understand but my experience has been that no matter what your religion or lack of, your heart can be full of love.

I've been religion-free now for almost 30 years. I feel that as I left the church I started thinking for myself instead of relying on what the church told me was right and wrong. What were my core values? What responsibilities as a fellow citizen of the world would I be responsible for? It may surprise many, but the further I got from the church, the better person I became. Without the rules of a church to follow, I had to create my own rules and obligations. A lesson repeated often by my dad became one that has best served me, "put yourself in someone else's shoes,"

For almost 30 years now I have been completely fine doing my own thing religiously while respecting and often defending the beliefs and actions of my Christian family and friends. Then the Presidential elections began. As Trump became more popular and the threat of him becoming the nominee seemed more possible, my heart kept telling me that Christians would not support him, especially the Christians I know. Sure, he was spouting out issues that were important to them, but hell, they are Christians. I trusted that they would choose love of all God's children rather than sell themselves to the devil in order to end abortion. In my heart I knew they would choose someone who supported "love they neighbor as thyself." and would reject the hateful tactics of Trump. Then I started seeing posts on social media and heard conversations showing support for Trump. I felt betrayed. Could all the warm fuzzy feelings I had growing up with religion just be a scam? My heart is saying "yes" but my mind is saying "no". I don't know. Please know that I do realize not all Christians support Trump, but I think I relied on the values of Christians as a group more than I thought I did and that is where the conflict in my heart is stemming from. As news of $14 billion being set aside to build a wall and a travel ban on refugees from seven Muslim countries being fought in court, I find myself searching for Christians that are standing out against such shameful behavior. For some reason I need to know they are there. I need to know the idea I have created in my heart and mind about Christians is true. Pope Francis is of course a remarkable person who I find an educator of love for all. I also found a priest on Facebook recently and my heart began fluttering in happiness. He is my first sign that I was not misled years ago. However, the hateful comments he receives on his page from Christians is appalling. Overall, I have found that my friends of little faith seem to be the ones I turn to when I need to hear words of love.

I am not writing this post as a way of bashing Christians, although I do realize it sounds that way, but instead as a way of working out my thoughts on why I hold Christians up to such a strong code of conduct when I am not even one and why I now feel so disappointed. Since the night I sat with my children and watched the election results, my heart and mind just haven't been able to grasp hold of why I am so angry. Is it because I have spent my entire career trying to build bridges between students and was deeply shocked that racism is still so prevalent in a group that claims to love all God's creatures? Is it because I am part of a health advocacy group and know first hand what happens with and without healthcare and can't imagine why loving people would be okay knowing others are suffering? Is it because immigrants and refugees are my livelihood and I have never found people so caring and capable of putting negative events in their life aside to build a new life for their families? Is it because I held Christians up to a higher standard than I have held myself?  I don't know. Maybe it isn't Christians I am disappointed in, but like many who hold refugees and immigrants at fault for our problems, I am doing the same now with Christians. I have a lot of soul searching to do because overall I am disappointed in our country and especially in our Republican representatives for supporting a man who thrives on spreading fear and hate.

Republican Administration, what's the Plan?

Our current chief commander made many promises during his campaign. While I don't agree with them at all, I understand why he and the rest of the Republican Administration want to follow through on their promises. Elections do have consequences, unfortunately in this case. But what is the plan? So far, it seems like everything being done with such urgency, but little to no thought. In his acceptance speech, the man in charge promised to bring our country together. However, he and the rest of the Republican Administration have done the extreme opposite. For weeks we heard that the Affordable Care Act (aka ObamaCare) was going to be dismantled. Republicans told us not to panic until we heard what the plan was. Not panic? Millions depend on this for lifesaving medications and treatments. I personally rely on it for preexisting conditions that would financial destroy my family and for insurance for my young adult children. Why threaten to begin dismantling something that you have no plan for or if you do, have not released for citizens to compare and know that their country is supporting them?

Along with removing ACA, the Republican Administration wants to remove access to birth control and end abortion. What??? Okay, I get wanting to end abortion. I do. But what is the plan for the woman who gets pregnant? Will abortions just end because it is illegal? Does the Republican Administration have families ready to adopt or will these children be brought into a world where they aren't wanted and eventually turn to crime? If you sincerely want to end abortion or at the very least reduce the numbers, why not continue educating the young on birth control? This one makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. A family member told me it is easy, "just don't have sex". I would like to stop eating also so that I don't continue gaining weight, but unfortunately as a living being I was designed to both eat and reproduce. Those impulses are not easily restrained. Plus, the reasons young girls have sex is way more complicated than "just don't have sex". A comment such as this is inexcusable and super unsympathetic to the issues young teens/women endure on a daily basis in their homes, schools, work places, etc.

The man that is now leading our country promised to ban Muslims from the US while campaigning and then followed through on a ban of seven countries with no more thought than what he plans to have for dinner. My Republican House Representative Peter Roskam wrote back to me saying, "President Trump’s executive order was not perfect, and it is unfortunate that it caught up some innocent travelers." Um, no. It was more than just "unfortunate". Families were torn apart. Jobs were left unattended. Cars were left at airports. Visas were put in jeopardy of expiring. Travelers faced potentially being sent back to countries that would kill them. This is more than "unfortunate".  We are now spending almost $15 billion to build a wall (maintenance costs will add to this bill) that shows the world we are bullies when we can't afford to help citizens with health insurance, educations, improve the lives of vets, etc, etc. We already have walls and fences, this is purely a sign to the world that we no longer accept those different than ourselves. Again, where is the plan? Deportations have begun. What happens to the children left behind, apartments/houses that are being rented and owned, jobs that are now unfilled? Will American citizens out of work pick up and move to California to begin working on farms? Most likely not. Why? There is no plan. The plan will have to come when we can no longer pay for groceries or other goods. 

Let's stop and put some thought into what is happening to our country. Let's not just react, but actually talk with experts on both sides of the fence and make decisions that truly benefit our country. We are not bullies. We are not a country that hates. We are the greatest country in the world. Let's act like it.